Author: CorriganSays

A letter of Self Care

by CorriganSays, posted in Blog

Hey, I hope you’re reading this.

I know you carry a lot of weight on your shoulders, and I can see that. You don’t have to carry it all by yourself.

Has anyone I wounder ever rested their head on your shoulders and shared a funny story with you? Are your shoulders allowed to rest to have their stiffness put down every now and then? I wonder if anyone tried to share your burdens, I know the loads are big, and I wonder, have you rested your head on someone’s shoulders and shared a funny story?

Look at your eyes, gleaming with hope. But why are they so dimmed compared to the last time you saw them. Do you cry a lot ? You do, cry like a river, don’t you?

What has caused your eyes to cry so much? The pain etched in your mind must have been torturing, but that pain engraved therein in your heart scratches more scars. What is inside you? What creatures dare to haunt you?

You should start a war with them and perish them for feasting on your heart. However, I can see your inner chamber is locked. You need to use the key to open it.

Once you unlock the door, charge your navigator and confront those monsters. One by one. It will take time, but you have this.

This will be a great deal of work, so before you begin, let me ask you, have you been taking good care of yourself.

Please make sure you take care of yourself, even when no one else did. You do deserve so many great things, even if you feel un deserving, you are so precious and deserve to be looked after. Remember to eat and sleep well.

In case no one told you, you are loved.

Losing myself

by CorriganSays, posted in Blog

Love – weather its romantic, self, or otherwise – it is rascally. A few undiligent weeks and you can lose yourself completely, parts of you breaking falling away from you every day as the sun rises and sets. Going into cruise control is not an option, you can’t ignore the shifts and starts and stops that the cultivation of love requires. You must be focused, diligent, awake, and present, otherwise it can slip away, not all at the same time, but slowly, until you wake up disoriented, empty and confused.

I believe this is how love breaks. Not in one swift motion, but tiny fracture by tiny fracture. Because we are not paying attention, we don’t see it coming, it doesn’t give us time, if we are lucky, we get a small warning, and that warning is when its coming screeching at us, almost too late to change course.

You can fall out of many loves this way, with your partner,  with yourself, with your friends, with your family, with your routines, with your passion, with your work. Time has a funny way of slipping off, we never feel it’s too late until it is. Love is like a speeding train –  no matter what form love takes, if you don’t hold onto it, and if you don’t watch yourself in it, it can leave you behind breathless , uncertain, lost and scared.  

We can’t let days speed past us without giving them thought, because this is the way we become lost. This is how we run around in circles because we haven’t stopped long enough to find a direction. Scarily our lives can run away with or without us attached to it and, while it may appear to us that we are the driver and conductor of our own lives, we are not and anyone with life experience knows this.

Life goes on without us. Time goes by weather we’re spending it wisely or not. There is a neutrality to the way of nature –  it blooms and grows and dies without our help. Sometimes love is so swift in its transformations, in its growth, that we don’t pay attention we could miss it, charging ahead down a path that’s leading us further from where we want to be going.

I do this thing when life gets difficult, where I just abandon myself. Like I shed the part of myself that needs cultivation and I go into survival mode, I go into safe mode with limited capability, and limited access. I lose belief and trust in myself. I react, and harshly, irritatingly, like any request no matter how small it is that’s put upon me is too much. I dream of places where I can escape to where my identity could easily change, so I could find a way to live with the chaos in my mind by becoming someone new. I know that wherever you go, there you are, but I’m very good at reinvention. I could convince myself I am anew. I am scarily good at fleeing the scene of a life I can no longer be bothered to tolerate.

And so the abandonment of myself becomes the abandonment of everything in my life, including the love and the good that’s in my life. Some may call it pression, but it doesn’t feel like that, it feels  more self-inflicted than that. I become almost comfortable cloaked in negativity, in sadness, in my harsh reactive thoughts to others in being the victim, the one who was wronged over and over again. To stop loving myself is to come home to what I remember, what feels familiar, all that I am used to. To cave into myself – introspective and self-analysed and caught in the purgatory between thinking and doing – is the safest I ever feel, feeling safe is a good place to be. There’s a preserve joy I experience when I don’t allow myself to be loved by anyone, even myself even when I’m surrounded by people who dare to love me.

Its not pride that propels me to admit this. Its purification, to empty this out of me so I no longer have to bear the burden of my self-inflicted suffering, to somehow halt the emotional gymnastics abruptly that I go through to keep myself small and unloved and unhappy. To be alone and to belong only to a self I dislike, is like pulling on a comfortable robe – safe, warm and easy.

This is to say I understand very well how love can easily break; how easy it is to lose sight of a life in spite of it being right in front of you. Because believe me you can live without living, and you can love without feeling. You can feel without letting feeling hit you deep. It may seem like contradictions, but anyone who has been drowning in pain  understands the way opposites can still be true at the same time.

What worries me about this is that I get lost inside my own mind when I cant escape from it, when I don’t distract myself from myself. I sometimes think I how great it would be to be normal and let my life follow in the flow of others, to at least try and stop swimming against a tide that offers no tangible reward for doing so. I think in general, I’m wondering why I do all the things I do, why my story keeps climaxing at the same point.

Turning forty has not been the ‘no fucks given’ adventure I was told it would be, I have been inside myself for a few years now, questioning everything and coming up with no answers, no solutions, and getting further and further from my own guidance and insight. Sometimes I feel like life has slipped from me, tiny piece after tiny piece. Its cracked and fragmented for sure and feels like it’s ready to crash. That can happen to me, but I think while I’m in it I forget that I will rise from the ashes of my own doing.

So, I recommit to myself and to love. I find a steady path again, even if it’s a few rungs lower on the ladder than I remember. I start to climb the ladder again, because if I  stop climbing this is one sure way to die without dying. I look for love again in different places, in smaller moments and I remember all the things I forgot while I was someone else for a while, inhabiting my body but not acknowledging my soul.  I reach for the things I remember that bring me joy and hold them up to the light to see their purity. Is this still good for me? Have I outgrown this? I stay gently with myself because I need to mind me, I am at this moment vulnerable, and I need to be careful because that’s the only way. In a world that wants hardness, I will continue to trim my edges, and I will remember to keep them soft and smooth out of necessity, and out of strength.

However many times a love – for myself, for another, for others, for anything – fragments and cracks, I will find a way back to whole. The whole will look different, and it will come formed in a package I won’t recognize, but I will know when its whole based on the familiar grooves of myself. The pieces will fit together, eventually. This is how it goes. This is the space between knowing its happening and waiting for it to happen, where the mind can run away, a train off tracks, dangerously close to burning up in a way that might take too long to come back from. This is the tricky space. That is the expanse to take great care with. This is a divide I am at now. So, I wait.

Just being yourself is not good advise.

by CorriganSays, posted in Blog

Common advice for people is just to be themselves. Usually given to people who struggle in certain situations. Widely given to people going on a first date for example.

In that moment you are truly being yourself, because telling someone how you don’t know how to act on your first date is the truth, and this is truely you. You could be scared of meeting the other person or worried they will not like you or the fear of rejection. So being your “normal” self will never happen. We put different faces on for different situations. We all do this.

There’s an old Japanese quote that I really like “where we walk through life wearing three different masks. The first face you show to the world, the second face you show to your close friends and your family and the third face, you never show anyone.” It’s the truest reflection of who we are.

Let’s take this example and you are being yourself, so you should show the person you like your second face, however that person belongs to the first mask, because you don’t know them, or even trust them. Human nature, and our defence mechanisms kick in and we show the face that we think they will like.

So, you need to become someone new in order to show a different side of yourself when it matters. Effectively everyone uses the “fake it till you make it” strategy. I have spoken before how dangerous this can be. However even if you fake it, you will eventually want to become the new persona you are showing to the world.

For example, your shy but you really would love to be able to talk to people. So, you lie and fake being an extrovert so you can talk to people. So, the more you do this the easier it will get to talk to people and soon it will be normal practice for you. So, talking to people will become your new reality. You are not yourself anymore, you are someone else.

So, this is why that advise of being of yourself is wrong. We all have it in us to do amazing things. This applies to all areas of your life, the biggies being your health, wealth, and relationships. Even to be rich you have to have the habits to bring you there, it will not magically manifest if you are laying on the couch all day. You need to develop. I found reading “Atomic Habits” by James Clear a good way to start. I have started making small habits in my life and they are now common practices of my everyday life. I am evolving every day, however it doesn’t mean you are those things until you have put them to the test. Make sense?

In any scenario in life, you are never yourself and the advice to just be yourself is lazy advice and people trying to make you feel good about yourself. Take the truth at face value. I am far from perfect, but I’m aware I have work to do and knowing this allows me to understand my weakness, and that’s important.

My advice for what it’s worth, focus on the things in your life you need to improve (we all have them). If you have a fear of something, learn the skill to get past it. I have a fear of heights, climbing up anything is easy but coming back down is scary for me. I started rock climbing and going to Dalkey Quarry is a great place to learn. You do your climb; you get to the top and there is a walkway back down. Easy. However, on a climb in Wicklow, I got to the top and there was no walkway down. Simple solution you step off the top and you are lowered down. However, stepping off was the difficult part. But I knew I had the skills to do this (a very experienced climber lowering me down.) And therefore, I achieved it. I am a different person now, I can’t say I will never be able to do that, because I can, and I did.  

Get the things you want in life, find the motivation, and slowly morph the motivation into habits that will become life skills.

Don’t just be who you are right now, be whoever you want to be. There is so much of you, you need to discover. And remember have fun and hurt no one on your journey.

Xxxx

Rathgall hillfort and Rathcoran in Baltinglass hill.

by CorriganSays, posted in Blog

A few weeks ago we decided to take the drone out to wicklow and explore Rathgall hillfort and Rathcoran passage grave and hillfort.

We went to Rathgall Hillforth first and what a beautiful hillfort it is. Very well maintained.

We then headed off to discover Rathcoran. This wasn’t as easy to find. A steep vertical climb through a forest and crossed over some fields, we found it. However the fog had come down so the views were not as spectacular as we had hoped. Its definitely worth the effort and we did have fun discovering how to get there.

Farmaphobia

by CorriganSays, posted in Blog

I booked our tickets back in September to go and see Farmaphobia. Glad I did. It was great.

A few years ago while in Krakow I visited a place called Lost Souls Alley, it was terrifying and that was its aim. I always thought how great it would be to have something like this in Ireland. And we do.

We arrived on time at Causey Farm for our night of terror. A 20 min drive from Navan. We were glad we had our hiking boots with us, it was a little muddy after all the rain.

A brief check in followed by a health a safely talk and we were on our way. 5 terrors awaited us.

1. Zombie Morgue

2. Mommas Murder Maize

3. Purge Night

4. Clown Town

5. Cult.

Each experience was very good and all the actors were amazing. There was never much of a queue to get into any of the terrors, and any time we were queuing we were kept entertained by some very scary actors.

I really don’t like Clowns and wasn’t sure if I would actually go into this terror room. However I did. It was definitely the best room in terms of jump scares. I was absolutely terrified.

It was a great experience and I would definitely go back. Well done to everyone involved.

Kitesurfing

by CorriganSays, posted in Blog

I love the outdoors and I really enjoy trying new things. Sometimes I get a little scared with water sports, maybe because I have seen first hand how dangerous it can be. However we decided to take some kitesurfing lessons.

We choose kitesurfing dublin and our lesson was booked for Saturday 1st October. We arrived at Burrow Beach in Sutton at 10am for our 3hour lesson. We met our instructor Sylvain Dubost and we headed to the beach.

After listening to Sylvain we could tell how passionate he was about kitesurfing and we knew we had chosen the right company to teach us.

First we talked about the direction of the winds, what kind of wind we need, good and bad winds. We discussed alot around safety. Then it was time to meet the kites.

It looks so easy when you see it on the TV or even watching Sylvain doing it. My partner picked it up straight away. However it took a little more time with me, and Sylvain was very patient. Eventually I got it. It is so important to get the fundamentals right first and I am happy to say that there was no pressure to get into the water. I definitely was not ready to take my kite into the water.

My partner, looking like a pro

The whole experience was fun. Sylvain is a great instructor, very professional and he is also a very funny guy. A pleasure to have him teach us kite surfing. We are excited to get our next lesson.

Sylvain provides all the equipment you need. This really is a fun experience.

Mcguires Hill of Tara

by CorriganSays, posted in Blog

I recently visited this delightful coffee shop. I dont think I’ve been since covid.

Very polite service and really nice coffee. For food I ordered the Jerk Chicken. It was delicious.

Jerk chicken

The place was busy and the food leaving the kitchen looked very good, with empty plates been returned.

After lunch I had coffee outside as it was a glorious day. If I had to fault anything the €2 car park charge for customers was a nice bill to get at the end.

Coffee

My special superpower, creating problems that don’t exist. The over thinker……am I superwoman?

by CorriganSays, posted in Blog

I am a multitalented person. I can write stuff, and I can create problems
that do not exist. The first one, I am happy about, however the second one, not
so much, I could easily live without this talent.

I could give a masterclass on over thinking and win a Nobel prize for it.
Been able to use it to create problems that do not exist might just be my
superpower. The fact is, every time I use this power, problems suddenly pop up.
See? It works!

It is no secret that I am new at being in a healthy relationship. Even
though I have been in a relationship for a while now, I am still not entirely
accustomed to it. You see I have had years to familiarize myself with toxic
relationships-to learn the ends and outs of verbal abuse, neglect, dishonesty,
infidelity, gaslighting and how to cope with the clusterfuck of toxic traits I
have encountered. But respect, honesty, compassion, love, and kindness are an
equitable partnership? That is all new to me. I do not get it fully.

My mind is so used to the patterns of unhealthy relationships. My reactions
are conditioned by toxicity. So instead of being curious, I lean toward
hypervigilance. I over-think every possible scenario, it is my mind’s way of
trying to protect me, (or so I tell myself) but instead, it just causes me more
anxiety.

I could give you an example, but it simply would not cover the scope of this
alleged superpower. Suffice to say, if there was a way to over-think something,
I am your girl, I am more than capable of doing this. I read into silences,
intuiting other meanings from the words I am hearing, and crafting entirely
messed up melodramas from my fears.

Guess what I am not alone.

Anyone who has a history of trauma, meaning everyone, can relate to this
superpower. While not everyone over-thinks all the time, we are all capable of
it. Do you agree? We have been there, but the truth is we do not all move there
and take up residence. I do, which makes me have this superpower.

I always believed that my over-thinking as a way to protect myself from
getting hurt. If I could imagine every possible outcome, I could be prepared.
But all I was doing was creating problems out of nothing. I have shed tears
over things that have not happened, felt pain from situations that may never
happen. I have twisted myself up in knots of anxiety over what-ifs and I have
created drama out of thin air because honestly, I am not always sure how to
cope with the calm or happy. I am learning. It is an interesting superpower. So,
for a while now I have been trying to lose this superpower. I am reading books;
I am listening to podcasts but more importantly I am talking to my friends
about this special superpower. I go to talk therapy and I have discovered so
much about myself, and I am learning how to train my thoughts and move away
from the over thinking person I am.

The first step I have taken has been to call myself out of this bullshit of
overthinking. Realizing It is not protecting me, in fact all it is doing is
hurting me in advance of imagined future hurts, not preventing them from
happening.

I have also started recognising my triggers and I have started paying
attention to my thought patterns. When I move into an unhealthy pattern, the
pattern where I am imagining dark and twisted scenarios, I can for the most
part pull myself back out. I do not just dive in anymore and indulge in whatever
entirely fucked up plot my brain has thrown at me. That is a great skill for
writing fiction, (which would be a better blog lol) but when I start imagining
everything that could go wrong in my life, I stop, and I take a brain break.

Brain breaks- I highly recommend them. I definitely cannot make every
thought in my head shup up and give me peace and quiet, but I can take breaks
from these thoughts. I can put down the serious and lengthy novel in favour of
a light and pleasant read. I can switch the channel from a stress-inducing
drama to something that makes me laugh or warms my heart. I am becoming more
grounded and mindful of the present moment. It has taken a lot of work, but I
am better at this. Mind-fullness as a practice can be incredibly helpful for
people like me, an over-thinker. It pulls me back from the downward spiral by
keeping me only in the present moment of what I am experiencing at that exact
time. Being grounded keeps my senses in tune with the present, which can help
me break the cycle of disappearing into toxic pasts. Moving myself away from my
phone is the best brain break I can give myself. It is not always possible but
when I can, I go for a walk, listen to a podcast or happy music, or my most
recent favourite brain break, is going into my garden with a cup of coffee and
admiring all the plants and flowers. Telling myself how proud I should be of
me, I did that. I grew them, I nurtured them. I watered them, I feed them. I
ground myself. And I place myself in the moment, I smell the flower, I see the
flower, I hear the bee, I taste my coffee and I feel my bum sitting on the
chair and suddenly, all is okay with the world again. I am here. I am breathing
I am alive.

I can create new mental patterns. When my mind starts trying to create a
problem, I can use logic and reason to bring it back to reality. Ground my
thoughts. I can establish new ways of reacting rather than falling into old
patterns. I indulge in conversations about something positive rather than
dwelling on my fears. This does not mean I am ignoring the pain or distracting
myself from it. I am reconditioning myself not to dwell on imagined pain that has
not even happened.

I see triggers for what they are now. Triggers come from trauma, and what
they are doing when they pop up is showing us an area that we need to heal in.
They may be maladaptive, but their roots are protective. And as a society, we
have made triggers a minefield and we have asked other people to tiptoe around
them. But the positive utility of a trigger is that it points us to an
experience in our lives that still needs healing and attention. We should look
at it as an opportunity for growth. We should use it to learn the lessons,
address the pain and allow for healing.

I can also see clarity. Instead of assuming the worse every time I fall down this particular rabbit hole, I can speak up. To my partner. To my friends. To my family. I do not have to play out the scenarios one by one in hopes that one of them is the right one, and
therefore I will be adequately prepared. I can just figure out what is going on
with an actual conversation.

Part of the process is talking about my triggers. It is uncomfortable
sometimes talking about my triggers to the people in my life that I love
because I have so dam many. In fact, my son is the most person I speak to
around this. He is the only one who really knows me and understands where I
have come from and why I have this superpower. I never feel judged. I just feel
his love. Around other people I would rather seem a little more well-adjusted than
I actually am. Having to admit that my mind has some dark pathways makes me
more vulnerable, and too often, we tend to interpret that as feeling weak. I
know I do. But talking about my triggers allows me short circuit the process. I
do not follow down those paths. Instead, I put a spotlight on them.

Every day I am learning more and more how to exist without toxicity. I am
learning to create a new kind of life where those old reactions are no longer
appropriate. They are no longer wanted. Anxiety, hypervigilance, over-thinking-
they all become coping skills I no longer need in my life, and I am rewiring my
brain to accept joy, peace, and prosperity instead. I am learning to exist in a
healthy relationship without waiting for it to turn into an unhealthy one. Because
if it does not turn into one, then this superpower will turn it into one.

It is a practice. It is about wanting to change. I still have to talk about
triggers more often than I would like, and if there is an impossible yet tragic
scenario out there, I am sure my mind will go hunt it up and try and play it
out. Maybe it always will. But I definitely will not just jump headlong into
the rabbit hole, and I will not follow every single path my mind tries to take
me down. I will get better.

If creating problems that do not exist is a superpower, I do not want it. It
is great for fiction as I said before, but I have no use for it in my everyday
life anymore. I just have to get better at telling those thoughts that they are
not the boss of me. I have to boss up, I have to chair the meeting, I am in charge,
and I have to live like I believe that.

 

Luvida

by CorriganSays, posted in Blog

With lots of restrictions been lifted from Covid19, it was nice to get out.

Myself and himself decided to go for dinner to Luvida. Im glad we did. It was delicious.

We were seated at a nice romantic table for 2. The Early Bird was still available and the options suited us. 2 Courses €23 and 3 courses €27.

For starters I wanted the spicy chicken wings but they only had the BBQ flavour available (BBQ would definitely have been too sweet for me). Instead I asked if I could order the King Prawns and Mussels Pil Pil from the A La Carte and pay a supplement, this was no problem. Himself had the BBQ Pork Chunks. Both were delicious.

BBQ Pork Chunks
King Prawns and Mussels Pil Pil

For mains I had the confit of Duck leg, which was served with Puy Lentils and a red cabbage puree and an option of a side. Himself had the Rib eye Steak with all the trimmings. He declared it was delicious.

Confit Duck Leg
Rib Eye Steak

Dessert was Sticky Toffee pudding for himself and an Espresso Martini for me. We had a wonderful evening. If I had to fault anything I would say that the food was a little cold, but other than that the evening was perfect. Will definitely return.

Women……you need to start owning sex

by CorriganSays, posted in Blog

We definitely shouldn’t ever be congratulated for being sexual beings.

After a blog I wrote a few months back “How Long is too Long” a friend congratulated me about being proactive and openly talking about women’s sexual needs, which is rare for a woman apparently. I do really like a compliment like the next person but this really got me thinking.

Why does this add to a females character if they freely talk about sex and discuss what they enjoy? And why does this mean that I’m being proactive?

Talking openly about your sexual preferences shouldnt be a good thing, it should be normal. Congratulating women for this just leads to an assumption that they are making an effort, even changing their ways. Taking one for the team if you like.

In fairness congratulating women for this worsens the situation. Sex is natural and normal. Sexual pleasure is not a club owned by men where occasionally they let a confident woman in because she’s proactive about sex.

I get that people mean well and my friend was being very polite and wanted to encourage me and my blog. (Even if he did insult my extremely bad grammar). It does however sum up our society, where women feel like they have to have sex and a high sex drive is seen as an anomaly.

Rebecca Reid said ” There is a lingering perception that sex isn’t for women.” That its something done to us, almost in spite of us, rather than with us.

I believe sex is for everyone. It shouldn’t be an exclusive world where women are congratulated for talking about it or enjoying it.

“The case of the female orgasm” a book written by Elizabeth Lloyd is an interesting read. Statistics from over 33 comprehensive studies over the last 80 years showed that only 25% of women consistently have orgasms during sex and to add to this shocking fact only 20%  seldom or ever have orgasms during sex at all. And as low as 5% of women never have an orgasm. Are you shocked?

Perhaps women get bored easily and need other stimulations to reach an orgasm. The study also shows that women in a relationship for more than a year got fed up.

Would it be fair to say that because of this fact, that women need more effort in the sexual act. Has this  put both men and women off thinking that women deserve sexual pleasure? Do we just say that women just are not that into it and leave it there? It does seem easier than learning what we like. Wouldn’t it be better to put more effort in and wait a little longer for that sweet orgasm?

Maybe we should demand the above rather than be grateful when it does happen. I mean if women believed that this is their world too and felt that they were entitled to pleasure during sex, then they could congratulate men for being into sex so much to make them orgasm.

Are we not cutting ourselves short? The only true joy in sex is a shared connection, giving and receiving the most unbelievable plessure in the world.

Its extremely lazy to accept unsatisfactory sex, and it will make you very unhappy in the long run.

Its time to talk ladies and let’s start today. Masturbate first and learn what you like. Find out what parts of your body send you wild when touched and share these with your partner.

You have to be brave and communicate your feelings. This ends in orgasms and some self entitlement. We are after all, entitled to plessure in this life and if your not receiving it then its time you changed that.

Let’s share the world of sex harmoniously together.

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