Don’t judge me, you have no idea what it’s like to wake up each and every day to battle your own body. 

Have you ever had a stomach bug or food poisoning?  The feeling of tummy pains, diarrhoea and a concern that you might not make it to the toilet. Well thats how I feel most days for the last 3 years, and it’s incredibly painful. Some days it’s very difficult and the emotional pain can be worst than the illness.  I hide away. Im very lucky that I am self employed as I’m unsure because of my illness if I would  be able to keep a job. I wish every day that I could be normal, it’s soul destroying to think I will suffer with this for the rest of my life, there is no silver lining, there is no cure …. and no one understands.

It’s difficult for people to understand MY illness. Friends and Family pass comment about how can I be so tired, but waking up and using the toilet 5-6 times a night is exhausting. There are days when pain killers don’t work , and I’m left doubled over in pain and I’m so tired that all I can do is sleep. I don’t want to live like this, I hate it. Some days you wake up and plan to get so much accomplished, then you shower and all your energy is GONE, completely drained. I try really hard to attend events and friends social plans but some times I can’t and if I do it comes with 2 things. 1. Min of 2 days planning, 2.not eating at all that day. I have to take  lots of painkillers the night before. On the day I will take anything from 3-7 immonium, which gives my stomach ache. My handbag will have wipes,  painkillers and spare under ware  just incase I have an accident.

I’m tired, tired of hurting, tired of pain. Tired of the unpredictability, tired of smiling at people when all I want to do is go home and curl up in a ball. But most of all I’m tired of been tired. 

My immune system is non existence, IBD is an auto immune disease, meaning that my body is attacking it self. I have had a cold since October. Most people think that IBD is a pooping disease, and yes I am always worried where the nearest toilet is, but its so much more than that, I have to combat issues such as extreme fatigue, anaemia, low vitamin levels because of malabsorption and joint pain, walking down stairs can be very painful for me. My bones and joints make me feel like a 90 year old woman, and all my insides feel like they are on fire.   Life can not always be planned days in advance and any last min plans to leave my house are terrifying for me. I usually won’t go, I hide away at home, away from the scary judgmental world.

I love food, it doesn’t love me. I have learned over the last 3 years what food suit me and what doesn’t. I’m lactose and Diary intolerant, this wasn’t a difficult thing to give up as I think my body already knew this as apparently I threw my bottle of milk at my mom when I was a baby and refused to ever eat or drink dairy again.

So for me I have to always let chefs know in advance of me dining. I know some of them think that I’m very awkward. I use to worry what people would think, and that they might think I’m overplaying it or been dramatic. If you look at my social media accounts you would never know I was sick, you would see me enjoying life and I do enjoy life.  I have accepted this hand that Iv been dealth. 

I have been writing this blog for weeks and weeks and as May is Crohn’s and Colitis awareness month I have gotten the courage to share my story. I think it’s very important to share it as since Iv been diagnosed I have read some truly inspiring story’s. There are people who are worse than me. We are all fighting for the same thing…… A cure. 

Don’t judge me, you have no idea what it’s like to wake up each and every day to battle your own body. 

I don’t look far into the future any more, one day at a time. Enjoy life and hurt no one on the way, thats the motto I live with now.

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One Comment on “Don’t judge me, you have no idea what it’s like to wake up each and every day to battle your own body. 

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